What To Do If You're Kidnapped by Cyberpunks
It’s probably not going to happen but you never know. You could be tooling along in your mini-van, toting the kids to soccer practice, and suddenly your vehicle is surrounded by snarky-looking guys with little goatees and pierced tongues. Cyerpunks. Guys who play D&D (that’s Dungeon and Dragons for you normal types). Guys with nicknames like BladeBoy and SquealerUnit.
So there you are, held captive in the hideout of the nefarious cyber dudes. What to do?
Here’s the trick. Make a casual, off-hand reference to The Grey Album, the 2004 mash-up of the Beatles’ White Album with Jay-Z’s Black Album. A producer named Danger Mouse (real name: Brian Burton) combined samples of both albums to create a completely new CD. Since it wasn’t legal – EMI sent him a cease and desist letter faster than you say “Abbey Road” – it was never officially released. It’s very underground, a true cult favorite. Just the kind of thing that cyberpunks hold in the highest regard.
Once you drop the name Grey Album, the cyber dudes will look up in wonder. They thought you were a soccer mom but now realize you’re a Pretty Cool Female. It’s then that you finish it off. “But,” you’ll say, “that CD is just so old school.” Since Grey Album was only released three years ago, calling it “old school” will make you painfully, bleedingly, cutting edge.
At that point the Boys will undoubtedly release you immediately. And also, probably, instruct you (for free) how to turn a nipple ring into a radio transistor. Just say thank you and hurry out quickly.
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There’s no way to legally download The Grey Album. The closest you’ll come are strange-looking Web sites that offer to sell copies for $17, but they’ll probably take your money and your credit card number and vanish into the ether.
You can, however, download Danger Mouse tracks from iTunes. But when you hear how pedestrian his music is, you’ll wonder: This guy had the nerve to re-do The White Album? That’s like Barney Fief giving boxing lessons to Muhammad Ali.