Why are blueberries so horrendously expensive? A box of about 350 blueberries fetches a full five bucks. Amazingly, that’s more than a penny for a single blueberry. Pop a mere three tiny berries in your mouth and you’ve just spent a nickel. It’s not right. The blueberry cartel must have a persuasive lobbying group.

Isn’t there some oppressed Third World country we could take over that would allow us to get cheaper blueberries? Some desperate place, one of those many countries that would greet us like liberators (like they always do – they’re always so cheered by the sight of American troops taking over; and wouldn’t you be, too?) and just start workin’ the blueberry patches with a passion.

On the NBC Nightly News, Brian Williams could smile wryly as he introduced a puff piece about how the native people love us so much that some old man – who’s probably been carving statues of American presidents out of coconuts for five decades – has made an entire house out of blueberries.

Damn, I’m going to write the president a letter about this. We need to get started–

Actually, on second thought, better not. Our current man in the White House is an excitable fellow, fond of rushing pell mell into nonsensical foreign adventures, and I wouldn’t want to give him any ideas. We’ll have to pony up for blueberries after all.